


Icha Icha: Dime-Store Romance

by Cue_The_Facepalming



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto
Genre: F/M, Female Harry Potter, Female Harry's Gloom Genjutsu is Practically A Character, Fluffy-hime is the Judgiest Cat to ever Judge, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, Lots and lots of shenanigans, Lots of drinky times are had, M/M, Multi, Oblivious Obito, THAR BE SEXY TIMES AHEAD...ARRRRR
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 13:40:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10023107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cue_The_Facepalming/pseuds/Cue_The_Facepalming
Summary: “A love triangle is a threesome delayed”― Mokokoma MokhonoanaHikari was perfectly happy--well, content, anyway--to sit back and ogle her beloved Uchiha Obito from a distance, thanks.  She was not expecting to fall in lust with the ever-obnoxious Kakashi of the Dog Breath, and she certainly wasn't expecting to get pulled into a situation right out one of Jiraiya-hentai's less-than-inspired dime store Erotica novels.





	1. Grand Battle One: Hikari vs Sake

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few things:
> 
> First of all, a shout out to the amazing Silencia20 for being a fount of hilarity and ideas. I probably would have put off posting this way, way longer, if not for you.
> 
> Secondly, I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry about the level of sheer WTF this story will contain; I need some goddamn joy in my life, and this is the Ultimate Joy Project.
> 
> Thirdly, insert standard disclaimer here regarding me in no way owning or being affiliated with Naruto or Harry Potter, or any of their various partners, yada yada.

.. .. ..

Chapter 1

.. .. ..

Tucked away in her tiny corner of Ichiraku's Ramen, Hikari brooded. Every inch of her radiated melodramatic dejection, from her slumped posture to her halfhearted slurping. The fact that she was eating one of her favorite dishes—spicy miso ramen with chashu pork, extra broth and extra noodles—didn't even seem to register.

Nobody paid her or her miasma of gloom any mind; Teuchi and Ayame were well-used to her fits of overblown sullenness, and had long-since learned to just let her be.

Her chopsticks slipped through the thick, fragrant broth absently, searching out more noodles. When they failed to latch onto anything after three swipes, Hikari finally glanced down. She blinked, stunned and disappointed, at the pitiful sight. Bobbing amongst the veritable sea of steaming broth was a single slice of soft-boiled egg, a half-eaten naruto, and a few chashu scraps. Alas.

“Why have you forsaken me, Ramen-Omikami?”

A bark of laughter echoed loudly in the tiny stall. Turning slowly in her seat, Hikari searched out the heathen who dared mock her. Finally, her pale eyes latched onto her target—a jowly man with a dandelion wisp of white hair. Her chakra pulsed with K.I., promising pain of the Tora-face-scratching variety. The man's breath caught for a moment before he started to sputter, broth and noodles spraying all over his lap as he choked.

_Serves him right; NOBODY mocks Ramen-Omikami and gets away with it._

A shadow fell over her little corner, and Hikari glanced up. Oh, god. Ayame. She was giving her that look, that damned, wide-eyed, “I'm so disappointed look.”

 “I didn't do it!”

Heat rushed to her face as the other girl added in a raised brow to the look. Hikari looked away, biting at her lip. She was far too tempted to confess all her sins as she felt the heat of the civilian girl's “Doe Eyes no Jutsu” burning into her forehead.

 “Try not to scare away my father's customers, Hikari-chan.” Ayame shuffled off with a tsk and a shake of her head.

Hikari wilted, her body all but slumping over the counter as her gloom cloud returned with a vengeance. Her eyes stayed fixed to the counter as she lifted the bowl to sip at the savory broth, the egg and other scraps bumping gently against her lips as she gulped it down.

“Another bowl, Hikari-san?”

Watery blue-green eyes blinked up at Teuchi as he stared down at her, his kindly, bull-dog face crumpling into a mass of wrinkles as he smiled.

“I'm afraid I can't today.”

 “Oh?”

Hikari smiled wanly. “I promised Izumo and Kotetsu I'd take them for sake and sushi when they got back; they arrived this morning.”

Teuchi smiled, forcing back a snort of laughter at her palpable despair. She sighed, her eyes taking on a mournful cast as she glanced down at her little piggy purse. It was just so happily, innocently ignorant of what was to come; The poor dear. Hikari had little doubt that she'd need to take five or six back-to-back B-ranks to make up for the damage those two would do to it tonight.

...and that meant weeks and weeks and weeks (hell, months, even) away from the missions desk.

...and that, in turn, meant weeks and weeks and weeks away from beautiful Obito.

The tragedy of it all.

Coins jangled as she fished out the money for her ramen, the missing ryo barely making a dent in her overflowing purse. “Enjoy it while it lasts, kobuta-chan.”

Teuchi chortled as he handed her her change. Hikari pressed a kiss to the coin, dropping it into her little purse, and tucking it away. She had a feeling this was the last spare change she'd see in a long, long while.

 .. ..

Wind whipped her dark hair into her face as she raced along the rooftops toward the Restaurant District. She had to hurry; there was no time to slow down or stop, not even to tie back her troublesome hair. Her blue eyes fixed on the fluttering red banners of her target, Akasushi—the Akimichi's most famous restaurant after Yakiniku Q—her heart thudding madly in her chest.

_Hurry. Hurryhurryhurry. Before it's too late._

Her fellow Shinobi all but jumped out of her way. Maybe because she looked like a Kunoichi on a war path. Maybe because she was racing along the rooftops like a troupe of enemy jounin was on her tail. Most likely because she was using what breath she had to spare to curse a blue streak.

“They FUCKING better not have...kick their asses from the gate and back, and TELL THEIR MOTHERS WHAT THEY DID.”

 The Dragon-masked ANBU using the roof to her immediate left faltered, nearly slipping sideways from her perch as her bellow rang loudly through the relative quiet. For all of a second, Hikari debated shouting an apology to the flustered ANBU, but she just DIDN'T. HAVE. FUCKING. TIME. Maybe she'd give a few ryo to Hokage-sama to buy Dragon-kun a voucher for dango, or something...but that would come later.

Akasushi was relatively busy for a weekday, but it wasn't too surprising, considering that—in addition to having the best sushi in the village—it boasted the broadest selection of fine sake in all of Hi no Kuni, save for the Daimyo's Palace in the Capitol. Hikari edged through the crowd of drunken Shinobi, wincing as a particularly untalented singer belted a rather terrible rendition of an Enka song that had made its rounds a few years back.

Pale eyes caught a flash of long, dark hair framing a long, distinct face as the singer climbed atop his table. She froze, blinking. Was that..? Hikari turned, staring up at the flushed face of the warbling Hyuga Clan head, staring a moment as a few of his less-drunk-and-obviously-mortified retainers tried to coax him off the table.

_No, don't ask. Don't. That way lie madness._

 Hikari deliberately turned away, pushing farther into the crowded restaurant, her pale eyes finally fixing on a booth in the far corner of the long room. She couldn't boast having eyes like the Hyuga, that could pick out her target amongst a writhing crowd. However, she didn't need all-seeing eyes when you were looking for Kotetsu. If his spiked mess didn't give him away, his cheerful, flailing wave would have.

“You're here~! Where have you been? I missed you, Grumpy~!”

The scent of sake slapped her in the face seconds before he pulled her into hug, and Hikari all but wilted. Pale eyes eyed the elaborate spread with dismay, clutching kobuta-chan to her chest tightly.

Ink-dried squid skewers. Broiled eel with rice. Whitefin and Yellowtail sashimi. Salmon roe and ootoro sushi rolls. A small pot of Oden. Kimchi gyoza. Tempura. Mitarashi dango. And sake. She couldn't forget the rather large collection of steaming sake jars.

Hikari's head flopped forward on her neck. Pale eyes closed and her hands clapped together twice, as if in prayer at the Sun Temple—the movement jangling the coins in her poor, doomed piggy purse. “Kami-sama, please bestow mercy upon my dear kobuta-chan. She was the best of piggy purses, and served me well.”

A polite cough had her craning her neck to the side to see a kindly, flush-faced Akimichi holding a tray of even more food. Five different soba dishes, this time. Hikari slumped in Kotetsu's friendly hold, ignoring his cry of complaint as her miasma of gloom burst into being as she slowly added up the cost in her head. With a defeated sigh, she slowly extended the entire purse to the Akimichi in question.

“Put this towards everything they've ordered. Anything remaining...just put on my tab.”

The woman gave her a commiserating grin as she stepped back into the crowd. Hikari could only watch as her beloved purse disappeared from sight, waving sadly at little kobuta-chan.

“Cheer up, will you! It's been positively ages since we've seen you. C'mon, let's EAT!”

Hikari let herself be pulled into the booth, snagging up two large jugs of steaming sake, an entire plate of dango and half the Oden as she went. Pale eyes gleamed death as Izumo opened his mouth to protest. Wisely, he didn't say a word, just pouted as she double-fisted her sake, humming happily when she finally bit into one of the large, savory dumplings.

“You're mean, Ari-chwannnn.”

She took another hearty bite, beaming brightly in the face of Izumo's sulking. “I'll have to take five back-to-back B rank missions to pay off the rest of this tab, and an additional four C ranks to have any spending money at all. So you can eat me, 'zumo-kun~.”

Hikari ignored the sputtering and choking coming from her former squad-mate. Honestly, it's not like he hadn't heard her say worse on missions. She took a deep pull from one of the jugs of sake. Pale eyes glanced over at Kotetsu, who was half kneeling on the seat, staring out into the crowd. “You expecting someone else, 'tetsu?”

The man's shouldered hunched up in embarrassment, a bandaged hand ruffling the hair at his nape nervously. “Oh—uh. I might have—maybe—invitedafewmorepeopletojoinus?”

Hikari glowered, her miasma of gloom unfurling around her like the petals of a flower. Kotetsu flinched, cringing away as a tendril of the miasma reached for his neck, as if to strangle him. “Is...that...so.”

A thick hip and muscled thigh nudged her to the side, and her miasma dispersed. Blue turned to meet with laughing gray, and she sighed. “Oh. _You._ ”

Kakashi beamed at her through his face mask, his eye glittering with malice. Well, not malice, precisely. Amusement, definitely. _Bastard._

“That's not very nice, Hi-chan. Aren't you happy to see your senpai?” Bakashi reached for one of her claimed sake jugs, not even flinching as she bared her teeth at his ballsy move. Clutching the jugs tightly, she took a swig from one, then the other, her feral grin turning taunting as the man pouted at her.

“Fucking delighted, Baka-senpai.”

Kotetsu, dragging a somber Tenzo down onto the seat next to him, shook his head at her. “Sharing is caring, Hikari-chan.”

Her lips pressed tight as she imagined stabbing Kakashi with dango skewers, and tying him up with ninja wire as she drank all the sake in front of him without sharing. Hikari took another fortifying gulp of her slowly cooling sake. “Not when it's me who's paying for it, it's not.”

Tenzo, quietly nibbling on one of skewers of ink-dried squid, lifted his dark, soulful eyes to give her a commiserating look. He knew her pain. Intimately. If Tsunade of the Senju was known as the Legendary Sucker, then Kakashi of the Hatake was known as the Legendary Moocher. Thinking of her dear, departed kobuta-chan, Hikari extended a skewer of her carefully hoarded dango to the quiet jounin, happily ignoring all the squawking and protesting of the other three.

Hikari happily flopped back against the booth, taking another pull of sake, only—the one in her left hand was empty. Alas. Dropping the empty jug in front of the sulking Dog Breath no Bakashi, she reached for another. Her hand hovered, indecisive, over another tall carafe when her eyes landed on _It._ _It_ sat proudly amidst the sea of food platters. Junmai Daiginjo. Not just ANY Junmai Daiginjo, though...no. AKIMICHI Junmai Daiginjo.

She bit back a hysterical laugh at her earlier estimation of her debt. She was going to need double the number of missions to cover everything—and every, single, last one would have to be A rank, at the very least. Hikari eyed the bottle carefully.

_Since I'm already paying for it..._  
  
Izumo and Kotetsu moved to stop her, their voices pitching high in dismay, but it was too late. The bottle was safely in her arms mere seconds after she'd spotted it. Blue eyes fixed on Kakashi, momentarily freezing him in place. “Try it, and I'm siccing Fluffy-hime on your ass.”

The jounin all but deflated, his hands dropping limply into his lap. So complete was his dejection that he didn't even lift his good eye to glare at the snickering Tenzo. Izumo and Kotetsu froze in their unhappy flailing, eyes wide as the witnessed the Legendary Moocher actually...give in.  
  
“U-Uh, Kakashi-senpai? Do you-Do you not like Fluffy-hime?” Hikari held back a chortle at Izumo's utterly bewildered expression.

Tenzo leaned forward to look at Izumo, his smirk positively gleeful. “It's more like Fluffy-hime doesn't like him.”

Kotetsu made a little, wheezing sound of confusion. “...b-but, that can't be right. She's such a tiny little fluff, and so sweet...”

“She's not sweet, she's _evil._ ”

Kotetsu, Izumo and Tenzo stared at Kakashi like he'd absolutely lost his mind. Kotetsu's voice was strangled, like he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. “What—how could you possibly think—? I don't—”

“Bakashi has no talent with pussies.”

Kotetsu's strangled cry of “THE FUCK—!” overlapped with Baka-senpai's whining "Maa, maa, Hikari~channnn!"

“I'm not judging! It's just that I didn't think he'd actually _run_ _away_ from a puss, just because it wanted to be pet. ”

“...........I make a point not to pet anybody's pussy without permission.”

“She was rubbing against your leg, Inu-baka. You had her permission.”  
  
Sweet, blissful silence. Hikari tried not to smirk, eyes gleaming as she watched Izumo, Kotetsu and Tenzo go from flesh-toned to tomato-red in 30 seconds flat. _A new record~!_

“HIKARI-CHAN! WHAT—!” Kotetsu's voice cut off in a mortified squeak.

As the two chuunin and one jounin squirmed awkwardly, she happily cracked open her treasure and poured a generous amount into little wooden sake cup. _Ahhh. Perfection_.

She blinked, startled, as the sake hit her in the face like a super-powered pillow. Or a fist made out of clouds. Rapid Onset of Drunkenness no Jutsu. Hikari licked her lips, grinning dopily. “Tastes of clouds~!”

Baka-Kaka-senpai, snickering at their flabbergasted table-mates, all but wrapped himself around her, his cold nose digging into her cheek. Hikari clutched at her bottle, holding it just out of reach of his thieving hands. “So, I have per~mission, do I?”

Hikari scoffed, pushing his face away. “HAD permission. HAD. Permission _then_ doesn't mean permission _now_ , Inu-hentai.”

“So prickly. I think I'll call you Hedgehog-chan, from now on.”

“You do that; see where it gets you.”

Hikari snorted, flashing Tenzo a wry smile, as he peeled Kakashi away from her with his Mokuton. Pouring a good portion of her precious Daiginjo into an empty masu, she leaned over the table to pass it to him. “You're the best, Tenzo-senpai!”

Half-sprawled across the over-full surface, she pressed an affectionate kiss to his forehead. The older man pat her on the head, wincing as she toppled forward. A lucky—or, well, half-lucky—yank backwards by Kakashi saved her from a face full of Oden. She landed with a little _oof_ in the Inu-baka's lap, smiling to herself as the older man let out a little wheeze as her kunai pouch dug into his crotch.

“Thanks for the save, but was the ass-grab really necessary?”

Bakashi gave her a beaming smile. Hikari sighed, taking another heavy gulp of sake. “Never mind. I forgot who I was talking to for a minute.”

Inu-baka smiled beatifically, settling her into his lap as he snagged a half-finished jug of warm sake and a few skewers of squid. “I have no idea what you're talking about, Hi~kari-chan.”

Hikari huffed, taking another swig of sake. She wasn't nearly drunk enough for Bakashi's brand of insanity. _Best fix that_.

She took another deep pull of her Super Special sake...straight from the bottle, this time.

.. ..

.......................................................Hell.

She had died, and this was hell. There was no other explanation for it.

Her head throbbed in time with her heart-beat, squealing in agony at the symphonic snoring coming from the next room. Hikari groaned. She groped weakly for her pillow, dragging it over her eyes to block out the sunlight stabbing into her delicate eyes like rusted kunai.

Never again.

Well...that was a gods' damned lie.

Never again for at least a week or two. At the very least, she would hold off til she could think of sake without her stomach recoiling in horror.

Hikari sighed, shifting on her futon as her bladder calmly informed her that she was ten seconds away from pissing on herself. Certainly, she was comfortable. Certainly, the act of rolling out of bed would be nausea inducing. Still....she wasn't so far gone that she was resigned to wallowing in a puddle of her own urine.

She might as well just throw herself off the side of a cliff, if that were the case, because that was beyond hitting rock bottom. That was skinny-dipping in Jiraiya-hentai's Dark Swamp Jutsu...you literally could sink no lower.

Her bladder clenched, again calmly reminding her that its threat of urine soaked sheets wasn't an idle one. Hikari let out a miserable wheeze and rolled onto her side. Oh, fuckingsonuvabitch. Bad idea. Baaaaad. Like, taking a trip to the Hot Springs when Jiraiya was in town level of bad.

...somewhere, in the back of her mind, Hikari imagined Jiraiya falling into an unexplained sneezing fit, and thus being discovered perving by a mob of angry Kunoichi. She snorted and her head _screamed_ in protest _._

Her breath left her in another pitiful wheeze. “Somebody _kill me_.”  
  
A scornful chirrup had her lifting the edge of her pillow to peer out into the bright-too-bright room. Fluffy-hime, perched on the window ledge, stared down at her, her eyes so very judgmental. The haughty bitch. Her fingers tugged weakly at the mask— _what the absolute shit did I do last night_ —covering the lower half of her face.

“Nobody asked you, hime.”

“ _Mreowwww_.”

“I am perfectly aware that I'm a grown woman, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to complain when I feel like shit.”

“ _Mraaaawwww._ ”

“Oh, like you're so fucking perfect.”

“ _Mreooooowwwww._ ”  
  
“Yeah, well...shut up.”

Fluffy-hime flicked her fuzzy tail at her before turning to face the sun. Ah. She was giving her The Butt, then, was she? Fine. See if she bought her the fancy canned food, then. Hikari sighed, slowly inching her way off her futon and across the floor. The tender skin of her bare thighs and ass dragged against the tatami, threatening fiber—tatami? rug?—burn. Her legs shook as she tried to push herself to her feet.

For all of a minute, she managed it. For all of a minute, she thought she'd able to walk out of her room like a human, and not like a dog with worms, dragging its ass across the floor. Alas.

Her legs shook—her only warning—before they gave way under her, sending her sprawling to the floor. Her legs splayed and the too-big shirt she was wearing—Kakashi's? Kotetsu's?—crumpled up to the waist, she looked less like a woman struggling with drunk limbs, and more like someone about to get a gyno exam, exposed crotch and all.

This...was not a proud moment. Pretty much the opposite of that. Pale eyes stared impassively as her miasma of gloom settled over her like the blanket of misery it truly, truly was. To make matters worse, her mind was fucking with her, because it carried the faintest scent of ammonia, as if taunting her with the pee that could very well be covering her in a few moments.

“Fuck that. I'm too young to go like this.”

Rolling onto her knees again, Hikari inched her way towards the sliders separating her bedroom from her living room, half-scooting, half-crawling. She shushed the little voice in her head chiding her that her bedroom door was RIGHT THERE..!

_Silly Inner Voice; the sliders are closer and I don't have to stand up to open them._

Shoving the sliders open with a grunt, Hikari stared out into her living room and—

Kept staring. She blinked a few times. Stared some more.

Somehow, “fucking clusterfuck trashfire disaster” didn't quite cover the breadth of the chaos. Hikari jerked as an inhuman snarl from the depths of Hell sounded from closer than expected. Pale eyes locked on her human door-stop. Her very naked human doorstop.

Not a demon, then. Just Kotetsu. A naked Kotetsu. A naked Kotetsu, whose dick was an inch from where she had her hand and “WHY IS THERE A DICK NEAR MY HAND?! I DON'T WANT A DICK NEAR MY HAND.”

The brunette didn't so much as a twitch, though she saw a few of Bakashi's ninken perk up at the sound of her voice. She ignored their staring—stupid, judge-y ninken—as her eyes remained fixed on the radish-shaped crotch-monster that she'd all but brushed with her fingertips and...she swallowed convulsively. She felt dirty.

Hikari rubbed her hand against the tatami, trying to wipe away the phantom sensation of cradling that sweaty, limp cock in her hand. She whimpered in distress, unable to look away _from...from...it._ Her free hand shook as it tugged the mask free from its strangle-hold around her neck. Clenching her eyes closed, she dropped it, hoping her aim was good. Risking a quick glance, she slumped in relief, sighing the sigh of a battle-worn soldier.

...she really hadn't needed that.  
  
Carefully crawling over Kotetsu, and dying inside when she had to lift a leg like a dog marking its territory to clear his covered cock and hairy, sprawled thighs, Hikari slowly navigated through her trashed apartment. Empty sake bottles—twenty six of them, at least—and sticky dango skewers littered her living space like land-mines...noisy, clattering, pointy land-mines. She grumbled as yet another skewer stabbed into her inner thigh.

If she got splinters in her crotch, she'd kill Kotetsu...because of course it was that fucking sugar-junkie's fault. She just knew it was. Literally nobody loved dango as much as Kotetsu...except for maybe Anko. Then again, considering the woman was literally named after the stuff, it was no surprise that the woman had a _relationship_ with dango.

Hikari ignored Kakashi's bare ass the best she could, the smooth, shiny twin peaks just peeking around the edge of the kotatsu. She turned her back, if only to kill temptation to take another look. Jackass though he was, he wasn't a chore to look at...even less so when naked.

Izumo, sprawled as he was, was at least wearing boxers. Tenzo, bless him, was half-hidden by the kotatsu, so even if he was— _urk_ —flashing his shit around, she didn't have to worry about getting an eye-full. She glowered back at the oblivious Kotetsu and face mask he was tenting. She jerked her face away as said tent registered, because _NO._

Of course, that meant she caught another glimpse of Inu-baka's ass-cleavage. Those shiny cheeks, though. It was like he polished them with wax, or something. It was fucking _weird._

She sighed, tossing another stray piece of clothing into the growing pile in her room. Hopefully, they'd know whose pants and shirts and— _urk_ —underwear was whose, because she wasn't prepared to do that. She'd do a lot for them all—the Hatake menace included—but not sift through their dirty underwear.

The hall, free from all but Kakashi's dirty sandals—he hadn't even bothered to leave them in the genkan, the prick—was much easier to navigate, which was good, as she was tense from tit to twat, trying not to leave a trail of pee behind her.

_Like the trail of hair Hokage-sama followed to rescue Kushina-sensei, but not romantic at all. And a thousand times more disgusting._

So close. So close. She could see the bathroom right fucking there. Hikari squawked, her knees slipping through the cold, soapy water pooled in her genkan. Her knees twitched and slipped, pitching her forward into the door. She bounced off the wood, wheezing in pain, and landed on her ass with a splat.

So, now her ass was slimy and wet.

_Fantastic._

She was going to kill them. Every. Single. Last. One. Even Tenzo, because fuck them _all._

Slipping and sliding through the bathroom, grimacing at the brown-tinged soap-slime, Hikari despaired. She was going to need the longest, hottest bath of her goddamned life after this, but at least she's made it to the toilet without pissing herself.

WOO.

Not something she'd ever thought she'd have to celebrate, but...this was her life right now. Slimed from asshole to crotch, fighting the urge to piss on herself like a toddler without bladder control. Her miasma of gloom settled over her shoulders, as if to hug her.

HUG her.

Just when you think you could sink no lower, the literal manifestation of your misery fucking comforts you, because you're that pathetic.

Hikari sighed, pulling herself up onto the toilet. She stared around at the slippery horror-show as her bladder sang a ballad in her honor.

There was nothing for it.

“Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!”  
  
A clone burst into being, staring at her sitting listlessly on the toilet, before turning to take in the mess around her. “...the hell did you do, Boss-Lady?”

Hikari gave the Other Her a dead-eyed stare. “...from what I remember? Turned my bathroom into a fucking bath house. I...don't think we should have tried to fit all five of us in one tub.”

The Other Her stumbled as she twirled on her heel, glaring. “You. Don't. _Say._ ”

“...I mean, the shower was fine, but it was kinda weird sharing the stool, considering it's a two-cheek seat on a good day...”

The Other Her puffed up like an Uchiha preparing to unleash one of their Hot-Curry Breath no Jutsu fireballs. Hikari lifted a hand to stall the yelling. She really would rather not have a crowd of hung-over men and three nosy ninken come running when she was in the middle of taking what was turning out to be the longest piss of her life.

“Don't ask. Just...can you?” She waved a hand around the room helplessly. The Other Her sighed. “You're a bitch, you know that?”  
  
“It's been said, yes.”

The Other Her sent her a glower that would be worrying, if she didn't know better than to think her clone would actually stab her in the face with her toothbrush.  
  
“I'll make sure to soak extra long in a tub of very, very hot water to make it up to, uhm, us.”

The Other Her grunted, flipping her off as she flitted about, collecting the stray bits of clothing and tossing them out into the hall, darting in and out of the bathroom to collect the damp towels to mop up the sea of sudsy water that had all but flooded bathroom and genkan, alike.

Hikari sighed, enjoying the last of her leisurely piss...she was awed that she hadn't, in fact, burst like the most disgusting water balloon in the history of water balloons. The Other Her shot her another glare, lifting the towel to show off the horrorshow of black soap-slime and what looked like dried shaving cream, crusted with...was that...silver...pubic hair? Oh, gods.

Her head pounded. She...was not caffeinated enough for this.

“That fucking bath better be an hour AT LEAST, shitty boss.”

A questioning glance around the bathroom had The Other Her shaking her head.

“The kitchen...it looks like a swarm of bees spent the night vomiting all over the floor. I'm assuming that was Izumo-san's Sticky Sap Jutsu.”

“........yeah, probably.”

The Other Her snorted, tossing the soap-slime-and-pubey-shaving-cream-befouled towel out into the hall. “Like I said...an entire. Fucking. HOUR. YOU GOT THAT?!”

Hikari lifted her hands in surrender. “Whatever you say.”

She sighed, thinking about the hot shower and long soak that was being demanded of her. The sacrifices one had to make, to keep clones happy and cooperative. It was a hard life, but she was tough. She could take it.

If she happened to use up all the goddamn hot water between her shower and filling the tub for the promised soak, well that was her business, and if her guests didn't like it, then they could eat dick, because she was pretty sure the olfactory nightmare of male b.o., booze sweat, and junk-funk was never going away.

She would be lucky if Fluffy-hime ever forgave her for this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Grand Battle Two: Hikari vs Staggering Hang-Overs and Utter Humiliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Consequences are a bitch. A traumatizing, painful, evil bitch.
> 
> Also, Ken'Ichi is the Best Grandpa Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard Disclaimer Applies, as before: ...don't own, yada yada...
> 
> Not sorry, not sorry that this chapter turned out how it did.
> 
> Honorable Mention goes to Silencia20: You made a Certain Thing canon, and this is what happened. You should feel very proud.

.. .. ..

Chapter 2

.. .. ..

Even after the longest, hottest shower she'd taken in months, and a soak that lasted nearly two hours—take that, bossy-ass shadow clone—Hikari barely felt human enough to put on clothes, let alone actively be out amongst people. It was only kobuta-chan, looking limp and deflated, that motivated her to get off her ass and be human.

If she pulled on her clean gear without bothering with a bra, well, that really was her fucking business, wasn't it. Besides which, it wasn't like she was planning on leaving right away, anyway. Aside from any required packing or preparations, she'd still have a nest of freeloaders to evict once she got back.

She squinted against the bright-too-bright afternoon light, wilting at the sight of the Hokage tower, looking so very far away. Well, farther than she wanted to have to force her sluggish body to go, in any case. “Never again, buta-hime. I'll never put us in this position ever, ever again.”

Another moment of prolonged sulking—her gloom miasma may or may not have made an appearance, she wasn't saying, either way, not after the embarrassment of The Hug earlier—and she was finally off. Her movements were stiff, awkward, as her body struggled against its desire to just collapse into a tired little puddle of limbs.

Almost there. Allllmoooost there. If she was already quietly planning on popping in on Hokage-sama for a bit of tea, after (which was totally not an excuse to take advantage of his comfy, comfy chairs), well, she was only being polite. It totally wasn't mooching if she had an open invitation.

The missions office was already a hive of activity. A handful of the chuunin on duty were silently drifting along the outskirts, filing paperwork as it was turned in, or dropping off mission scrolls as they were delivered. To the far left was the busiest desk—the desk for returning Shinobi. The line of mostly-chuunin, with a few jounin—some by themselves, and others trailing their genin ducklings—trailed nearly out the door. The desk to the right was less busy, but it was hard to tell if it was just too early, or if it was because all the “good” missions had already been passed out for the day.

Hikari scowled, shuffling into line behind a vaguely familiar face—one of the Hyuga lackeys who had failed so hard at reigning in their Clan head's performance last night. She bit back a tired snort. The man glanced over his shoulder, sneering as his eyes fixing onto her pasty face and tired, bruised-looking eyes.

“Long night, I suppose?”

She smiled tightly. “For you as well.”

The Hyuga raised an eyebrow. Hikari smirked. “I saw Hyuga-san's, ah, grand performance last evening.”

The man's expression went tight. “Did you.”

“Yeah. It was certainly...something.”

The Hyuga smiled...well, as much as any Hyuga smiled, which is to say that he didn't really smile so much as bear his teeth in a snide leer. “I saw your performance, as well, No-Name—” Hikari twitched at her old Academy nick-name, “—and I have to say, you surprised me.”

“Oh.”

Her voice was very quiet and very flat. Anyone who knew her well or had worked with her closely, like Kotetsu and Izumo, would have taken it for the warning it was. She didn't know this Hyuga, so the asshole was shit out of luck.

“I didn't think you the type to go sniffing around the single Clan Heirs—”

Sniffing? She'd show him gods' damned _sniffing_ , when she shoved his head up his ass.

“—Hnf. Well, at least you had the sense to go for the Hatake. If nothing else, his reading material proves he likes loose women.”

The Hyuga gave her a smug little grin, his pale, pale eyes looking cruelly triumphant, though she couldn't say what he'd thought he'd won. An imminent ass-kicking, maybe?

Hikari's lips tugged up into a slow smile, but her gaze was dead, blank. “Sorry to crush your fan-girl daydreams about Bakashi and I, but...there's nothing going on, there. No flirting, no date...just a night out with old teammates.”

“The Hatake isn't your teammate.”

Her smile widened, a flash of teeth adding that hint of danger that at least one chuunin in line with them had caught on to, if the pocket of space surrounding them was any indication. “He was Kotetsu's invite, not mine.”

The Hyuga scoffed, naked scorn twisting his bland features. “Call it what you will, if it makes you feel better about yourself, but you can't hide the truth from my Byakugan. Once civilian trash, _always_ civilian trash...and no amount of pawing at lecherous Clan heirs is ever going to change that.”

Hikari felt the muscles she'd been tensing relax, her mind calming the moment before she acted. Between one blink of those pale eyes and the next, she had the Hyuga pinned to the wall, one of her hands pressed against his wind pipe, the other wrapped around a kunai that was less than an inch away from the shocked Hyuga's balls.

“What are you doing—?!”

She flashed a bland smile at the Hyuga, even as the edge of her blade dug further into his groin. “I'm teaching you manners, Hyuga. You know what _manners_ are, don't you? You of the long and prestigious Clan ancestry?”

There was a polite cough behind her. She didn't turn, her eyes narrowing as she debated whether the piece of shit was worth having to clean blood off her blade. It might just be better to rip the damn things off with her bare hand.

There was another polite cough from behind her. She twitched, but didn't relax her hold on her prey.

“May I ask what you're doing?”

The Yondaime's voice was unnervingly calm, considering she was seconds away from emasculating a member of a Noble Clan. Well, if he didn't care, all the better for her. “Like I told this shithead, I'm teaching him manners.”

“Oh~?”

“Nothing says 'don't be an asshole' quite like the violent loss of your balls.”

“I...ah, I'm not sure that's the best way to teach anyone manners, Hikari-chan.”

“I beg to differ, sensei. If me stabbing him in the dick doesn't teach him to watch his fucking mouth, nothing will.”

Hokage-sama coughed awkwardly, the shuffling of his feet very audible in the very, very quiet missions office. “I'm sure his wife would rather you leave Hyuga-san intact.”

Hikari snorted. “If he has as little control over his cock as he does his tongue, then I doubt it.”

A sigh. “Hikari-chan...”

The warm, heavy weight of the Hokage's Super Secret Jutsu settled onto her. Oh gods, no. Not Puppy Eyes no Jutsu. Hikari's shoulders twitched under the weight of the so, so sad and disappointed look she could feel burning into her back. She could almost see those fucking ridiculous big blue eyes of his going wide and glassy, blinking at her miserably with those long, pale lashes.

Fucking pretty-boy Hokage; He was a _menace._ A pretty, devious menace.

The weight of the stare increased, and her heart twisted, her head screaming at her for being cruel to her sad, sweet Hokage when she should be giving him hugs. Hikari blinked. “Gods damn it, sensei, that's playing dirty!”

“I never said I'd play fair.”

Hikari sighed, finally loosing her hold on the panicked Hyuga, reluctantly stepping away from the man. Unsurprisingly, he didn't say a damn word, just quickly grabbing a mission scroll and fleeing the office. She turned to meet the Yondaime's chiding gaze, not the least bit apologetic. “So, maybe not my best move, but I bet you he's polite—well, Hyuga-polite—to everyone for, like, two days. I just bet you.”

The Yondaime shook his head, shaggy blonde locks falling over his forehead as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I suppose we'll see, Hikari-chan. Now. I have a cup of tea with your name on it, if you have time when you're done here.”

She knew a veiled order when she heard one.

“OK, sensei.”

Hikari turned to face the white-faced Iruka, staring up at her in not-so-veiled horror. She gave him a tight smile. “A-rank, please. B's good too, if there aren't any A available.”

“S-sorry, only C and D left, today.”

Hikari wilted, flashing the man a kind smile as he all but flinched away from her miasma of gloom. Huh, maybe she had overdone it a bit, because her gloom cloud wasn't even particularly big...Pakkun-sized, at best.

“I guess I'll go grab that cup of tea, then. Later, senpai~!”

“A-ah, alright, H-Hikari-san...”

.. ..

A long, uncomfortable half-hour under the Hokage's Puppy Eyes no Jutsu would have been bad enough. But, no. _No._ He had to go and break out the big guns, calling in _him_. Ken'Ichi-jii-san.

For all that people in-the-know said she looked like her late mother, Lily—but with her father, James's dark hair—the truth was that she was very much her grandfather's grand-child. The same deep, peat-brown hair, the same ambiguously blue-green eyes—reminiscent of the mineral-rich waters of the Onsen that Hi no Kuni was famous for—graced her form as his, though his hair had grayed a bit with age. His eyes, though...they were paler, yes, but no less sharp for his being three years shy of sixty.

In fact, save the graying hair, very little about him belied his age. It was no wonder all those gods-damned busybodies called him “the Silver Fox of Konoha.” Clad tidily in a fine haori and hakama, he cut an impressive figure. Honestly, if Hikari weren't so used to the man being a fucking Elitist about everything from the cut of his obi to the seams on his gods' damned tabi socks, she'd live in a constant state of paranoia, wondering if there wasn't some celebration or a festival she was forgetting.

Pale eyes peered up at her over the rim of his sakazuki as he took a deep pull. Hikari felt her stomach quiver as the scent of warm sake wafted towards her.

_Don't throw up on Hokage-sama's floor. Don't throw up on Hokage-sama's floor. Don't throw up—_

“What's this I hear about you threatening another Hyuga? What did I tell you last time, Hikari?”

“...don't get caught?”

Blue-green eyes flashed in amusement. The Yondaime coughed pointedly and Hikari blushed.

“What was the _other_ thing I told you?”

“'Public confrontations mean paperwork, so keep your confrontations private, for Kami's sake'.”

The Yondaime cursed lowly under his breath, the sound of his forehead hitting his desk echoing loudly through the enclosed office.

Hikari ignored him for the moment, too busy wilting under her jii-jii's pointed look. “To be completely fair, I didn't start it this time.”

“Didn't you?”

“NO. Well, I mean, it's not like I actually made fun of Hyuga Hiashi-sama for his impromptu Karaoke session, even if he IS a fan of fucking _Enka._ All I did was mention _seeing_ it and his lackey got mouthy with me. So. I took appropriate actions to correct his behavior.”

“Threatening castration is not 'appropriate action,' H'ari-chan.” She was sure...yes. Her jii-san's pale eyes were twinkling at he tried—and failed—to scold her.

“It got him to shut his fucking trap, so...I'm gonna have to call that a win for Team Castration.”

“ _Language_ , H'ari-chan.”

“That, coming from you? You best just sit there and look pretty, boozy-jii-san.”

The Yondaime let out a miserable little wheeze from where he was still bent over his desk, but she ignored him, again. His voice was muffled as he mumbled to himself, his mouth all but pressed to the dark wood. “Gray hair. I can feel it growing— _feel_ it. I'm going to be grayer than Sakumo-senpai ever was, I just know it.”

Hikari rolled her eyes; really, he was awfully melodramatic. She could see where his brat got it from.

Ken'Ichi-jii gave the Yondaime a fleeting smile, as if humoring a cute toddler, before going back to ignoring him. “Well, Hokage-sama stopped you in time, and I suppose that's all that matters, in the end.”  
  
She blinked. “...sooooo, you're saying castration is cool, as long as nobody sees me do it?”

The Yondaime shook his head against his desk, a low mutter of “Not cool, definitely not cool, why do you even need to _ask_ —?!”

Her jii-san flashed her a smirk; it was like looking at a reflection of her own. “Dear child...you should know by now that it's only the paperwork I'm concerned about. Public castration is messy business—not just in terms of clean up, but in the sheer amount of paperwork that comes with it; the Yondaime deserves better than that from us.”

Hikari smiled pleasantly, taking a sip of tea from the Hokage's neglected cup. “Fair enough; You won't hear about any more trouble from me.”

“Good girl.”

The Yondaime tilted his chin up to glower at the two of them mulishly. “I'd appreciate you not encouraging her, Ken'Ichi-san.”

Pale eyes so like hers blinked pleasantly at the sulking Hokage, a smile tugging the edge of thin lips. “I have no idea what you're talking about, Minato-san. I was merely pointing out the folly of public confrontations.”

The blonde gave his chief counselor a dry look. “Of course you were,” his blue eyes darted to pin her in place for a moment, “just— _please_ —try not to cause any more trouble. Having to listen to the Hyuga complain endlessness is painful enough, but if I miss another ramen date-night with Kushina because I had to sit through two hours of Hiashi-san grand-standing, she will feed me to my toad summons.”

Hikari snorted. The Yondaime gave her a humorless smile. “...I'm not kidding, Hikari-chan. I've already caught her whispering to them when she thinks I can't see them. I know they're planning something, but I don't know _what_.”

The brunette pat the miserable blonde on the head, ignoring the sulky glower boring into her forehead. “There, there. I'm sure she won't feed you to them, per se—.”

“Oh, well, consider me comforted.”

She ignored him, as usual; silly, dramatic Hokage. “—Maybe banish you to Mount Myouboku for a while, but certainly not kill you. From what she and the ladies at the Onsen were giggling about, she's too fond of that Thing you do with your di—” she faltered at her jii-jii's dry look, “...anyway, she likes you too much to do that.”

The blonde went red, burying his face in his arms. “You...”

“Yes, Hokage~sama?”

“You didn't really hear about that Thing.......um, what you said Kushina said, right?”

Hikari beamed at the mortified Yondaime. “Of course I did, in detail~! I always knew sensei was talented, but I had NO IDEA.”

The blonde whimpered, going limp as if trying to become one with his desk. She smirked.

“Of course, she also mentioned why she calls you 'the Yellow Flash,' and...well. Everybody has their off days, I suppose; best not to obsess about it. That's what women have vibrators for~!”

The blonde's face pressed tightly to his desk, so red that he could probably manage a Fire Breath Jutsu without even trying. “...ou—”

Hikari blinked at the Hokage. “What was that, sensei? I didn't hear you.”

The mortified blonde lifted a shaking arm, gesturing wildly at his door. “Out...get out, before I have to kill you AND my big-mouth wife...”

“Really, sensei. It's nothing to be embarrassed about; we're all adults, here.”

Another wild gesture.

“It's not like I paid TOO much attention when she was talking about your oral technique, or how you like it when she puts her pinkie up your a—”

The Yondaime shrieked wordlessly at her, face a solid block of red, as he waved her out of the room.

“Alright, fine...I'll go.”

Hikari hesitated in the doorway, stepping back to give the trembling Hokage a considering look. “Before I go—”

The blonde man let out a strangled scream into his desk before collapsing into it again, but he didn't lift his head. “Kami-sama save me...what _now_?”

The brunette blinked at the outburst. Talk about _rude._ “Hypothetically, if you were confronted with ass-cleavage that looked like it had been polished with cosmetic wax, would that be weird?”

“...what.”

“I mean, I don't think he actually waxed his ass—at least, not from what I remember—but it looked rather polished, and I'm wondering if there's even such a thing available on the open market.”

“.......what.”

“Kakashi. His ass-cleavage was actually shining in the sunlight this morning, Hokage-sama! The reflection could have blinded someone. Is that normal...without cosmetic polish, I mean.”

The Yondaime pointed firmly towards his open doorway a strangled noise squeezing out of his throat. Hikari sighed. “I'll take that to mean you don't know, then.”

Another strangled noise and sharper gesture. “Fine, fine...I'm going,” she shot the miserable blonde a sulky look as she skulked out of the office, “jerk probably just uses Genjutsu anyway, shiny-assed bastard.”

If she stomped down the hall a little louder than usual at the echoing sound of her jii-jii's laughter, well, it served them right for being so gods damned _rude._

.. ..

Luckily for her sanity and returning headache, all but a snoring Kakashi-hentai and his ninken were gone by the time she returned. The Other Her, bless her, had left out a steaming pot of tea, which she dove on almost as soon as she plopped down onto her floor cushion.

_Ah...sweet, sweet, caffeinated bliss._

She took a tentative sip, testing the temperature. Not too hot, but not yet lukewarm yet. She sent almost wished the grumpy Other Her was still around; if nothing else, this pot of tea deserved a big thumbs up.

“Good job, Other Me~!”

Pale eyes fixed on the wall across from her, and not the topic of her previous inquiry—the unusually shiny ass-cleavage peeking above the edge of the kotatsu. Though, with said shiny ass cheeks being right there, beckoning her across the table, it was rather difficult to not let her eyes just...settle on them while she sipped her tea.

Yes. _Settle._ She was only tempted to look because Bakashi's ridiculous shiny hiney happened to be in the exact spot her eyes naturally settled.

A canine snort had her eyes darting over to Pakkun, who was smirking at her from his place by his summoner's head. “You keep staring like that missy, and you're gonna leave an imprint on his skin.”

Hikari flushed, glowering at the ninken. “Excuse you, but I am not staring. Looking at...glancing at maybe, but not staring. And WHY is he even naked, anyway?”

The pug gave her a dry look. “...you sure you really want to know?”

She thought back to the pubes crusted with shaving cream that had coated her shower floor. “...no, but I probably should, just in case.”

“In case what?”

“It involves me.”

The pug smirked. “Fair enough, I suppose. But first—”

Hikari raised a brow at the dramatic pause. “—yes?”

A furry paw extended across the table top toward her. “Squish my paw.”

“...excuse me?”

Large, brown eyes glittered at her unnervingly. “Go on, squeeze it. It's so nice and squishy. It'll make you feel better.”

Hikari hesitated. “Am I going to need to feel better after our conversation?”

Bull lifted his head from where it rested on his giant paws and gave her a long, sad stare. Akino, sprawled on his back, tilted his head back to look at her and gave an amused yip. Oh, gods. Even Pakkun, the jerk, was smirking at her. “I suspect you're going to need more than a few paw-squeezes to get over last night, missy.”

With a grimace, she knocked back the rest of her tea like it was Shochu. Her hands shook as she poured another cup, cradling it for a moment, taking comfort from its heat. Hikari took a deep, bracing breath. Then another. And another. And another, for good measure. A slow, bracing sip of tea wet her suddenly-too-dry tongue form words.

“Hit me.” Her eyes clenched shut at the Look Pakkun shot her.

“You wanna know why my dumb summoner is naked on your floor?”

“Aside from the whole showering thing? _Yeah.”_

“It's because you shaved him.”

Hikari's breath left her in a little wheeze as her brain just...stopped. For a good minute or two—probably longer than that—she just sat there, mindlessly sipping tea and squeezing gently at the pads of Pakkun's paws. After a long moment, her senses returned to her. She drew in a deep breath.

And wheezed.

She tried again, with more success this time. Slowly, her breathing evened out. Slowly, her brain cleared enough for her to realize that her miasma of gloom was wrapped around her in a bracing hug. She didn't even care enough to feel pathetic, this time, because...because she...

...she had shaved Bakashi. What. _What...HOW did that even make sense? WHAT._

“What.”

Pakkun snorted at her, not bothering to pull his paw away from her grip. “You heard me, Puppy.”

...puppy, huh. She must look a wreck if he was calling her fucking _puppy._

“So. I...shaved...Kakashi? OK. Um...that........doesn't really make sense, but OK. _Everywhere,_ or...” her hands waved in the general direction of his—oh gods—unnaturally smooth ass.

“No, not everywhere—.”

She wilted in relief.

“—just his, how did you put it, 'fun zone' and 'twin peaks'.”

Hikari deflated like a balloon, her red face planting into the wood of her tabletop. Eyes closed, she sat in silence for a long moment, trying to become one with the wooden top of her kotatsu. Her brain taunted her with images of the Yondaime in a similar position, and she felt...regret. Well, not regret, because it had been fucking funny, but she felt empathy, at least.

“.........did I happen to mention why I— _urk_ —shaved him?”

Pakkun snorted.

_Kami-sama, if you're listening, strike me down, now._

“.......you sure you want to know?”

“At this point, there's no going back.”

“Well, you were in the shower, so none of us heard you say it, but...from what the sap-spitter and the spike-haired brat were tittering about, you were going on _at_ _length_ about how 'a smooth front is ideal for oral'—”

_THE FUCKING FUCK HAD SHE BEEN THINKING?!_

“—and that 'hand prints show up better when the ass isn't hairy'.”

_KAMI-SAMA, IF YOU DON'T STRIKE ME DOWN RIGHT NOW, I'LL FIND A LIGHTING USER TO DO IT FOR YOU._

Hikari let out a little sob, tilting her head up to stare pleadingly at Pakkun. “So...so. That's why it's so shiny, right. Just the shaving. Please? Tell me I just shaved him...”

Bull gave her a sad, sad look. Her soul wailed.

“No...that's from the wood polish.”

“AHA! SO IT ISN'T NATURAL! Er...sorry. I was kind of bothered by that, earlier.”

Pakkun snorted. “Just be glad that the Mokuton-brat had mind enough to stop you before you started in on his front. You were leering and giggling about 'polishing wood with wood polish,' and he stepped in.”

_Next time I see Tenzo, I'm buying him all the gods-damned ramen he wants. And dango. And sushi. Fuck, whatever the hell he wants._

Hikari let her head flop forward onto the table again. She felt...she wasn't sure how she felt. A small part of her was sad she didn't remember, because she was sure she could earn a few ryo, at least, out of those fan-girls and -boys who'd pay good money for a detailed description of either the front or backside of the Hatake. Another part of her—the largest part, in fact—was questioning the life choices that had lead her to a place where the shaving and fondling of Bakashi could ever be considered a Fun Thing to Do When Drunk.

Aside from that, it was kind of...humbling...to realize that Bakashi's ninken had so much potential blackmail material on her. I mean, honestly. How many Shinobi could honestly say that ninken were in a position to extort them?

Fucking pathetic it may be, but it was a legitimate concern. If that fucking Hyuga heard about what she'd done...hell, even if he just heard about what she'd said...she would never hear the end of it. It would give her a good excuse to follow through on the castration, yes, but she'd rather not have her private conversations made public.

Hikari sighed, rolling her head to the side, her cheek squished flat against the tabletop. Her eyes stared listlessly at her wall. To think, she'd freaked out just seeing Kotetsu's dick, when she'd nearly given Bakashi a handy in front of everyone AND the ninken.

_Shit. Izumo might be right about me needing to get laid, if this is the shit I get up to when drunk._

Bakashi snorted, interrupting her brooding. He yawned loudly, fabric rustling as he flopped onto his back. Hikari closed her eyes. If she didn't remember her eyeful of dick from last night, she wasn't in a rush to remind herself. That was just...no. No.

“...the hell is ev'ryone?”

Hikari shrugged. “I assume they went home; I was at the missions office when they left.”

“Hn. Anything good left?”

“Unless you call C and D rank missions good, then no.”

“Nn.”

Another yawn, and the sound of skin sliding against skin. Hikari swallowed heavily. “...do I want to know why I'm as bare as the women in the Icha-Icha movies?”

Hikari snorted. “This is me recovering from knowing, so...probably not.”

Kakashi let out a raspy, hung-over laugh. “That bad?”

His ninken laughed and Hikari let out a strangled whine. “There are things, once known, you can never not-know.”

Inu-hentai snorted, pillows rustling as he stretched, yawning again. Hikari pushed away from the table, rising to her feet without looking at him. Her brain was already being a dick, taunting her with what she'd done. She didn't need to add fuel to the fire.

“Th' fuck's wrong with you?”

“Just a _weird_ morning, is all.”

“Oh?”

“ _Yes._ Woke up in your clothes, nearly castrated a Hyuga-lackey, and traumatized Minato-sensei.”

Kakashi snorted. “Weird? Sounds like an average Tuesday.”

“Since when is me waking up in your clothes a thing that happens?”

Hikari could almost hear his shit-eating grin. “That's unusual, I'll give you that. I meant the part about you harassing a Hyuga.”

“That was the weirdest bit, actually, considering he accused me of trying to climb your dick.”

Bakashi let out a guffaw. “Did he really~?”

“Yes, he did. I corrected his assumption.”

Kakashi let out another snort of laughter, and Hikari twitched where she'd bent over to pick up his clothes. “Maa, maa...you make it sound like you don't _want_ to climb my dick, Hi~chan.”

She flushed, clenching her eyes shut. _Gods, but she almost had, and didn't that make it all the worse._

Pakkun snorted, and Hikari felt the blood drain from her face. Whipping around, she deliberately Did Not Look at the naked, sprawled Bakashi-hentai as she glared at the pug. “One fucking word, mutt, and I'll feed you to Tora. WHOLE.”

“You'd have to catch me, first.”

She glared. “You think I'm above siccing Fluffy-hime on you?”

Pakkun swallowed, shrinking onto his haunches. “Message received.”

“ _Good._ ”

Kakashi tilted his head back, peering up at her through one, bleary eye. “...I'm missing something.”

“...it's called a brain, Baka-senpai.”

The idiot gave her one those eye-smiles that made all his fans swoon; honestly, Hikari didn't see the appeal. In her opinion, those smiles just made him look like a bigger asshole than usual. “You know I'm going to bribe it out of them with Yakiniku, right~?”

...meaning he was going to get them to blab about last night. In public. Where everyone and their brother could—and would—overhear.

Hikari smiled back. It was not a nice smile. Walking leisurely over to her window, she flung it open. Turning on her heel dramatically, she gave a larger smile...a _beaming_ smile, one worthy of her infamous great grand-uncle. Bakashi stared at her, she stared back. Silence fell between them, only the faint sounds of a busy street filling her apartment.

Slowly, she lifted her handful of Kakashi's discarded clothes. “Then consider this my preemptive retaliation, senpai~”

With dramatic fling of her arm, she tossed the idiot's clothes out her window and down onto the crowded streets below.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ................yes, this is a bit more cracky than intended, and not just because Kakashi's flashing his ass to all and sundry. Still. If you've never done stupid shit when piss-ass-drunk, then I envy you. So. Much.


End file.
